29 going on 92

For all of Teh Beauty's jokes about my delicate man-gina, I assure you that Ro-beast Rollie does, in fact, wield a Blazing Sword. Lately though, even I'm being convinced that the blogger typing right now may actually be a post-menopausal woman trapped inside a hairy, drooly monster man.

The first clue came last week. I received an AARP card in the mail. And yes, it actually had my correct and full name printed on it. This will get me fantastic deals on life insurance, prescription drugs, maybe one of those of those electric carts to safely navigate Shop-Rite, and if I tape it to the back of my car window, I'll be legally allowed to drive less than 35 in the passing lane on the highway.

Now let's talk about my hot flashes. For a few weeks now, I've been getting concentrated hot flashes below the belt. The left pocket region, to be exact. This is similar to the whole phantom cell phone vibration phenomenon that I thought only happened to me until I read it in the newspaper last year. For 7 years I've been carrying my personal cell phone in my left pocket, always on vibrate. A few years ago, I found myself increasingly grabbing for calls that just did not exist. Not because I was expecting a call or anything (I get one or two calls a day at the most), but because my outer upper quadricep was definitely spasming. Very recently, this false vibration has been replaced by a second or two of heat. It's not so hot that it's unbearable... about the temperature of an overheated battery, but it's certainly a distraction. And I'm totally not imagining it.

I did a little bit of research over the weekend, but did not find anyone on the I-nuts with similar leg muscle symptoms tied to cell phone usage. As an experiment, I switched my personal cell phone over to the right side, but I still feel the hot flashes only on the left side. I do sometimes carry a Nextel at work though, and with no where else to carry it but my left pocket, my results are far less than scientific. It's been happening more frequently, and goes off even when I'm not carrying a cell phone. Sometimes it happens even when I'm not wearing pants. The only other lifestyle modification I've made recently has been all the running I'm doing, but I have yet to do any research to see if there's a correlation.

I mean it's either one of those things, or I am a post-menstrual woman. If I'm going to have to be a Golden Girl, I at least want to be the slutty one. I think there's room on this thing for my bumper stickers.

Broken Hip-sters Unite!