Sell Out Blogging

Don't give me that face, Ian. Come on, knock it off. How am I going to get through this blog with you pouting?

Whatever. Baby.

I'm seriously the worst consumer. I hardly ever buy anything except for used CD's and black socks. New black socks, I mean. Commercials have little-to-no effect on me other than their jingles. I rarely know what is up to date with technology or entertainment. I usually purchase generic brands. I am instinctively repelled by most things deemed hip and/or popular. I pick out wine based on what animal is on the label. Maybe I'm a target market, but I'm certainly not a good one.

I've realized lately though that there is an industry that's been sneaking into my brain, and subsequently, my wallet. It's the beverage industry. All right, so those of you that know me personally are aware that I sort of pay my bills thanks in part to paychecks coming from an international corporation with a huge stake in the North American beverage industry (for now), which clearly makes me vulnerable for bias, but I assure you that my taste buds are no bullshitters.

When I decided almost two years ago to start losing weight, I cut out all soda intake with the intention of switching exclusively to water. I knew that would be quite a shock to the system though, so I first switched to diet Snapple, then went to a seltzer middleman. Flavored seltzers. I thought it would be torture, but I really took to it. Dare I say that I sometimes actually crave seltzer?

I almost made the jump to water, but I broke my water bottle and was too cheap to go buy a new one. My roommate and I sprung for a Brita (or a Pur, or something) over the summer, but we never do the dishes so I've got nothing to pour the beautiful water into. I still drink a shitload of seltzer, but lately, I've been picking up Udder Tings.

It started with Vitaminwater, due to its ubiquity. Helps that Coke owns the shit, I'm sure. In every convenience store I stop,Vitaminwater is very well stocked and sometimes I just don't want to buy something super bubbly. I have yet to find a flavor of VolkswagenVoyeurwebVitaminwater that I don't like.

I also tried a couple flavors of Gatorade's new "low calorie electrolyte beverage," G2, which I actually learned about from, *gasp*, a television advertisement. I think it tasted as good, if not better than regular Gatorade. Grape was especially bueno.

One final new drink that I have tried is Snapple Antioxidant Water. Dragonfruit sounded like a good flavor to be adventurous with, but unfartunately tasted like the sperm of a mythical reptilian beast. I gave The Snapz a second chance and picked up a Strawberry/Something bottle that was definitely better, but still not fantastic.

Now before you lecture me, brothers and sisters, I am not here to claim that any of these drinks are a magic elixir. I am not dazzled by the words taurine, gingko, electrolyte, guarana, or antioxidant. I tried one of these waterish drinks because it was there, and it tasted good, so I tried another. I exercise consistently enough that I'm not concerned about the fact that these things have as many calories or as much sugar as soda anyway. I have a bottle once or twice a week at most as a treat, so don't report me to the Sports Authorities.

And I'm quite aware that I still can't slam dunk.