February 22, 2008

Let's Read Comics Together!

Hello my sulky little buttons. I have been neglecting you this week, and I would like to say I'm sorry. I love you, all 30 or sometimes 60 of you that come to this site. Truly, I do. Mommy gets sad, and then she drinks, and then she goes and reads her comic books and everything is better. I just got tired of hearing myself whine about love. Yeah, yeah, we get it delicate little broken hearts made of glass with wings that try ever so hard to fly and always get shot down. FINE. Even I am tired of hearing about it. Since my angst and ennui has temporarily robbed me of creativity, I thought it best to dredge the depths of my lj (oh the whinging) and bring you an oldie but a goodie. Settle in kids; strap-on; power up. It's time for, "Let's read comics together!"

Today a timeless story of a mad bastard with little reindeer horns and his attempts to raise a family. Today we read Tales of the Teen Titans #64. (Please remember kids: to see the pages in larger detail just click on the image; believe me you'll want to click) Shall we? Let's get this party started!

Let me bring you up to speed thus far. Raven dies, and her father Trigon destroys the world atop the twin towers. Who says 9/11 wasn't foretold in the funny papers? Certainly not me. I embrace the crazy in many forms and any one theory is truly as plausible as any other. Let us posit a world wherein giant demon penises menace us from the sky ala Urotsukidoji. Trust me, Arella has every reason to cry as she was raped by intergalactic demon penis long ago and had to be a single mother to the female anti-Christ all while pursuing a purposely pacific lifestyle, good luck. Arella, I'm sorry baby; life just isn't fair, and the bastard possesses your daughter, and he never paid child support? Worse possible world ever!

Gratuitous evil on Twin Towers photo op plus hot warrior princess cheesecake! Oooh, X'hal, so delicious! You don't want to miss this dialogue. "Please Dick I love you so much...please don't die without me." How do you write that without laughing your ass off? I guess you laugh all the way to the bank about sticking dick in kids comics. For the record, Kory, I LOVE dick too.

Let us fight the demon with the blackman's entropy junk powers x the passionate alien princess! Multi-cultural Voltron powers go! Changeling has to jump on the attack as +1 after damage has been assigned multiplier (lame) to no avail! He turned into a crocodile and jumped into Trigon's eye! !!!

Trigon feels the need to break it down for both us and Arella, as basically, he calls her an 'interdimensional cum dumpster' that nurtured evil's ultimate daughter. But really what's all that bullshit physical effort worth when realistically he's sacrificed one hundred billion souls in Raven's name? Damn, that is some sweet 16 party! Even more evil than MTV, note the ossiffied evil of the the Twin Towers in the distance. Elsewhere...Lilith senses a douchebag!

Are you ready for the dorkgasm? Because the dorkgasm moment is gearing up right now, no lie. This is the best moment in the comic book. Artgasm, ahoy!

Wow, I need new panties, seriously. That was so explosively awesome. Here comes the afterlife moneyshot!

Then, Raven becomes a goddess made out of glitter and Trigon is made into charcoal briquets because the flavor of evil tastes good in a marinade just not in a 'rule the world scenario'.

Finally, it's all over and Raven ascends, but, damn, if Arella can't just shut her fucking trap and move on. Damn bitch, I love you. Now, stop wailing and transcend this goddamn bullshit; I command you!

Uh huh. Welcome to the jungle we've got fun and games; we've got everything you want honey you know the name. Oh, and Marvel, don't think I have forgotten you. Mama's coming for you too.


Robin said...

Wish I had just a little more of the KY Warming Lube to go with that... ran out long before the Money Shot :(

And was it just me, or were Demon Daddy's second set of eyes just a tad to effiminite to really make the tiney antlers work???

Sorry, I need to go towel of my own Teen Titan now ;P

RS3 said...

I think I love you in a geeky way, man they really cleaned that whole story up when they made it into that teen titans cartoon. what a bunch of pussy's Dick.